In 2009, my Trekkie friend Andrew asked me to see the new Star Trek movie with him.
I wasn't interested, but I was aimless enough to see a movie I wasn't interested in.
I had just graduated from high school and had stopped believing in God.
But while I rejected the idea of heaven and hell, the general message of humanity being "deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked" stuck with me. I felt uneasy in the secular world, yet my friends from the fundamentalist Christian church I grew up in treated me with prayerful avoidance.
Star Trek 2009 bored me. Andrew, however, had a lot to say about it.
"But what's the big deal about Star Trek?" I asked him.
He said I needed to watch the older shows to find out.
That night, I watched "The Naked Time", which was streaming on YouTube.
It was one of the first episodes that came up when I searched for "original star trek", and the title caught my attention.
This was the first time I saw Captain Kirk:
The Future in Pink
I loved Star Trek immediately, especially Kirk.
He didn't feel uneasy in the world, let alone the universe.
And he sticks up for humanity.
Star Trek struck me as familiar and bizarre at the same time.
Velour uniforms notwithstanding, it seemed very plausible that the future would somehow resemble the 1960s.
In 2009, brown was in. Instead of gold, orange, or blue, my graduating class voted for brown robes.
So, the colors of Star Trek were fantastic to me. Even militaristic institutions like Starfleet featured pink lighting.
I liked the idea that progress wouldn't necessarily be bland.
Making Contact
After watching Star Trek, I wanted to make physical contact with William Shatner.
The easiest way to do so was at a convention, for the price of $79. So, I went to Star Trek: Las Vegas, where waiting in line with other fans was almost as much fun as the main attractions.
After the photo was taken, I clapped him on the back, managed to say "thank you", and hurried to the bathroom to cry.
The Church of Shatner
Fandom was my introduction to the adult secular world.
We raved about William Shatner's beauty and charisma on sites like Look At His Butt, and More Shat, Less Shame.
Party Posts on OhNoTheyDidn't_Trek really felt like parties, with 5,000+ comments of .gifs and all-caps enthusiasm.
On YouTube, I caught the end of the Star Trek: Original Series vidding boom, and struggled through the headache of Windows Movie Maker to make a few myself.
Star Trek was a good replacement for religion, and fandom was a good replacement for church.
In fundamentalist Christianity, criticism of the faith is unacceptable, whereas in fandom, breaking down an episode's failings or re-imagining canon is an ongoing source of fun.
The Trouble with Humans
When I moved out on my own and got my first taste of crazy bosses and violence on the city bus, I realized fandom wasn't the larger world.
After falling out with Christianity, I thought religion was what kept people from being wonderful Starfleet material. Turns out, humans are the trouble with people.
I felt duped by Captain Kirk, the poster boy for humanity.
I took his picture off my wall and replaced it with one of Spock.
Trekless Trek
I didn't watch Star Trek for a few years after that. But I was still attached enough to go to Trek Fest in Iowa, dressed as a Yang from "The Omega Glory":
And to buy tickets when Shatner came to town with his show Shatner's World:
How I Met Star Trek Again
Earlier this year, I found myself once again at loose ends and with a lot of free time on my hands.
My roommate was out of town, and I had a week off work.
So, I watched "The Man Trap".
I was worried Star Trek would've lost it's effect for me. Instead, it was more exciting and interesting than ever. The first time around, I was so absorbed with Captain Kirk's every move, I noticed little else.
For example, Dr. McCoy.
Watching Star Trek again, he became an important character to me.
Duly cynical, he still does good work. He's scared of outer space, but lives on the Enterprise. He disagrees with Kirk vehemently, but is still his best friend.
He gives me a hopeful picture of how to live in the world and be at odds with it.
margaret haney star trek
Writing is hard for me, so I tend to avoid it.
But recently, I got the following notification:
And that pushed me to start this blog.
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